Some people take things too seriously...

I've listened to metal since I was a child. A few years ago I discovered what is known as Norwegian Black Metal. Basically, its just a form of metal that is much more raw and simple, as opposed to "regular" metal which is polished and technical. These bands are mostly from Norway and the scene began in the late 80's / early 90's.

The singer of the band Mayhem killed himself. He slit his wrists and then blew his brain out with a shotgun. He called himself by the name Dead. A fellow band member Euronymous found his body in his house. Before notifying the police they went to a local store, bought a camera, and took some pictures. These photos later appeared on a bootleg album. The suicide note simply read "Excuse all the blood" which is ironic because Dead was often accused of having a sub-par sense of humour. Before leaving the suicide scene, Euronymous took some of Dead's skull and brain, which he later turned into necklaces and dinner, respectively. Mayhem are considered one of the cornerstones of the second wave of Black Metal which reached its peak in the early to mid 90's.


A short while later famous churches began being burned to the ground. Many of these were over 1000 years old and were a great pride to Norway. The band Burzum (a band consisting of one person by the name of Varg Vikernes) went so far as to put a picture of the Fantoft Stave Church on the cover of their album "Aske" (meaning 'ashes" in Norwegian).


Varg Vikernes was later accused with this church burning (and others) and many suspect that he actually took the picture after he watched the church burn. The first 1000 copies of "Aske" included a free zippo lighter bearing the same image as the record. The message was quite scary, but it fits in perfectly with the music (which is some of the most twisted, emotional, and powerful music I've ever heard).


Burzum released a few records and many other bands followed, along with more violence. Euronymous's band 'Mayhem' had nearly completed their masterpiece album "De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas." Dead was supposed to sing on this album but he killed himself two years too soon, although he had all of the lyrics written. The recording was moving a snails pace but the band finished the album in 1993 with a replacement singer and they picked up Varg to play bass.

The album was about to be released when Varg killed Euronymous, who was viewed as the leader of the scene because he owned Helvete (a store in Oslo which translates "Hell") and he began Deathlike Silence Records. He was stabbed over 30 times because he owed Varg money from Burzum records. Varg later said he killed him because Euronymous wanted to have a Satanic image. To Varg, Satan was a product of Christianity and this was the greatest enemy to both Norway and Vikernes. If you want to be Satanic, you are a part of Christianity so he had to die. Varg believed in Paganisn and the old Nordic God's such as Odin, the same gods of the Vikings.

Below is a poem entitled "Aske" written by Varg Vikernes (these are not lyrics on the album, just a poem). This sums up a lot about Varg's beliefs and his motives; and also Burzum, and the whole Black Metal scene. For some reason, I can relate to this little diddy (maybe its my blond haired, blue eyed, Viking demeanor, or the fact that I've been living at home in Deer Lake for too long).

"ASKE"

That fire
Which never burns out
Which yet burns very low
Which flickers out

Yet there remains
Always beneath the ashes
Embers
Which smoulder and wait
For one to bring
Dry Twigs and wood

Red-hot embers
Dreaming of becoming
A fizzling crackling fire
Once more

And such is the fire
Burning within ourselves.
Euronymous's father, unlike myself, doesn't relate to Varg's ideation and wanted Varg's bass tracks removed from his murdered son's album. Hellhammer (Mayhem's drummer) clamed that they re-recorded the basslines but this never actually happened and you will still hear Varg's bass if you buy the album today.

Over 50 churches were burned, a few more people were murdered, and the records sold better than ever. Today, Black Metal is often referred to as Norway's biggest export. It's too bad that many of the artists who began the scene are now dead or in jail and they can't even enjoy their money.

And I know you must be asking yourself "Where's the punch line already Richard?" Well, its coming up. Below I have a link to a couple of pages that are fucking hilarious. After all of these murders the scene exploded and many people got in on the act of being wretched vile human being. Everyone soon realized that in order to sell records we have to out-do everyone else in the category of PURE FUCKIN'EVIL.

TOP 10 MOST RIDICULOUS BLACK METAL PICS OF ALL TIME

(THE OTHER)TOP 10 MOST RIDICULOUS BLACK METAL PICS OF ALL TIME

I'm not even sure if normal people will find this shit funny but I nearly pissed myself when I saw some of these pictures. I am familiar with most of the bands on the lists which could have contributed to my personal entertainment. What you have to remember about most of these pics is that these people take this shit seriously. Very seriously.

After little deliberation, I've decided I'd much rather meet up with a Gangsta Rapper than one of these guys. I'm sure gettin' shot would be a lot less painful.

That Was Hype...

Most of you have probably never heard of Joe Calzaghe or Jeff Lacy. They are both Middleweight (168 lbs.) boxers and they faced off against each other about a week ago. Both fighters were undefeated and they both have roughly a 75 percent knockout rate.

Joe Calzaghe is 33 years old and was on a streak of 17 defenses of his IBF Title before facing Lacy. He has never fought outside of his native country, England, andfor a fighter with such a long winning streak he never really got the hype he deserved, partly because he never had a defining fight although he has beaten some highly regarded fighters.

Jeff Lacy, on the other hand, is an up and coming American fighter who often gets compared to a Middleweight version of Mike Tyson. Lacy has less fights under his belt than Calzaghe has knockouts but he has extrodinairy power and he has been hyped up just as much as Lebron James. He is supposed to be the next big thing and prior to this fight he has been in Everlast ads in Ring Magazine. Jeff, like Joe, has never had a defining fight as his resume thus far is filled with average opposition (The last person Lacy fought was recently knocked out by the feather-fisted winner of The Contender).

This was viewed as a pick'em fight (meaning the odds are virtually the same on both fighters coming out victorious) and most of the "experts" were choosing Lacy by late round knockout. Well, the experts have never been more wrong. This fight was a blowout. It was on the same scale as the Gatti-Mayweather fight. Lacy never landed more than five decent punches. By the end of the third round his nose and both eyes were bleeding.


This just goes to show how boxing is such an unpredictable sport. Personally, I chose Calzaghe to win by decision (which he did) but I thought it would be a close decision. I was wrong. I'd seen some fights by both fighters and I knew that Calzaghe was highly skilled and extremely quick and I knew Lacy was a street fighter with little defence but a ton of heart. Calzaghe had dropped out of fights in the past citing an injured hand as his reason for backing out and many boxing people thought he was using his hand as an excuse to avoid certain fights. Well, they were all wrong too.

After laying a beating on Lacy and knocking him down for the first time in his career, Calzaghe admitted that he did injure his hand a few weeks before the fight. He knew he needed to fight Lacy right now or he may never get a chance to fight him again. So Calzaghe sucked it up and dominated Lacy with a sore hand (he said it began to hurt in the 8th round) making the American look like an amateur.


Hopefully Calzaghe will unify the title and avoid a quick payday by fighting a washed up Roy Jones Jr. or a boring Antonio Tarver. He shouldn't care about getting richer because he's rich enough (and he never even had to move to Alberta). There comes a time when glory should overpower every other urge. Let's hope Joe strives to be glorious.

I Need to be Reassured...

Does anyone actually read the crap I write here?? If you do leave a comment or some type of sign that its being read. I have low self-esteem and I need to be appreciated...

Well, to be truthfull I'm thinking about covering this site in Goooooogle Ads and tryna make a little cash. Comprende? I had a friend who made 34 cents last month!

Yes, I Think Your Province Sucks...

So the theme of this blog was supposed to be my attempt at figuring out a way to get rich. I will be the first to admit that this is actually the poorest I've ever been. I have to borrow money from my 17 year old brother fairly regularly and my only source of income is a tutoring gig for two hours a week.

But I did take the first step in the right direction a few days ago when I bought a plane ticket to Vancouver (Vancouver you ask? Well, no... It isn't in Alberta... So yes... I probably won't be getting rich anytime soon... But it is right next door to Alberta so I am getting closer to the pot of gold).

So I buy the ticket and then a friend of mine unexpectedly shows up in Deer Lake (my temporary/permanent address) the next day and tells me that she is now a flight attendant with buddy passes. She gets 16 more of these passes next month so she says I can have a pass which will get me as far as Calgary (which is in Alberta) for FREE!?

So I spend 500 bucks and the next fuckin' day someone offers me a free ticket out West. Just my luck (Yes, I will take the free ticket and keep the $500 credit with Air Canada for a future move).

So that's that and here's this...

Somewhere during the last year I had the idea of making up a t-shirt for each Province of Canada. I never did get this finished but I will show you what has been completed thus far. And I am sure that if someone would invest in this enterprise we could both become rich men (a woman would know better than to come anywhere near this).

First, the best Province in Canada: Newfoundland (Fuck Labrador!!)


This shirt is for the Newfy who is sick and tired of voting Liberal just because his/her parents do. But it is not for hippies who would vote NDP. These hippies would probably dig real deep and find a way to be offended by this shirt. Just because it was created by a pure blond-haired blue-eyed elitist should have nothing to do with this.
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The next shirt speaks totally for itself (for those non-Canadians out there, Quebec is a French Province full of artsy fartsy queers).


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Next, we have Nova Scotia. I couldn't really think of anything interesting to say about Nova Scotia so I just picked one county or region or whatever you call it.


Okay, so Cape Bretoners think they are the shit. As a Newf, I know that they are just shit. If they think they are so cool why don't they just seperate from Nova Scotia and become their own Province. Then Newfoundland and Cape Breton can have a game of curling to settle the dispute of what Province is the best.
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And finally we come to Alberta!!! Now, this shirt was designed before I knew I wanted to be rich so keep that in mind before judging my motives and message.

So ask yourself "Who do people hate?" Yup, that's right, we hate anyone who is better or wealthier than ourselves. Ontario used to be the most deadly Province in Canada but now its Alberta so its time to change hate. Simple really.
So someone step forth and buy these shirt designs because if I catch you scamming my resources (i.e. my shirt designs) I'll do what a Newf typically does when getting ripped off by Canadian slimebags: Absolutely nothing!!!!

I never really liked ...

I was always a fan of The Rolling Stones. They rock, they party, and they aren't a bunch of whiners (I hope you noted that I was using the present tense). The Beatles, on the other hand, never really appealed to me. Ringo seems like he might be semi-retarded, John married Yoko Ono (need I say more?) and did that thing where they stayed in the hotel room in Canada somewhere protesting some hippy bullshit, and I couldn't tell you a thing about that Harrison dude.

But I never really had a problem with Paul McCartney. He just kind of seemed a bit dumb to me and he managed to offset the weirdness that was John Lennon. My father was a fan of his and said Paul's concert was one of the best he's ever seen. There are even a few posters from that show downstairs in the bar/basement. I knew he was married to some chicky who had issues with stuff like the environment blah blah blah but I thought she died and that phase of his life was over with. But I find out last night that he has found a new activist-beauty-model-wife by the name of Heather Mills. Let me begin by saying that she is a rude bitch.

This past week Paul and Acti-Wife came to Eastern Canada to go touch some baby seals and protest against the "brutal practice" that is the seal hunt. Then I found out they were going on Larry King Live and Danny Williams (the Premiere of my home Province, Newfoundland) would be a guest on the show to rebut the two. For those of you that don't know, Mr. Williams (this is how he should be addressed: MISTER WILLIAMS) is a self-made millionaire who owned and sold Cable Atlantic to the Rogers Company.


Sir Paul and Acti-Wife would not let Mr. Williams get a word in on teh larry King show. They just kept interrupting him bringing up the same points that they had already drove into the ground. "These seals have no defense... This practice is inhumane... These lil seals haven't even had a chance to go for a swim (this point was brought up at least half-a-dozen times)... Its a cruel practice... I'm pussy whipped by my wife here... I just married Paul so I could make my voice heard all around the world... I love seals... I want to get a sealplasty..."


Mr. Williams (who was so rudely addressed as "Danny" by everyone on the set) was visibly irritated by their hogwash and brought up some interesting points, my favorite being that PETA and Greenpeace may have ties to terrorism!! Go Danny!!! He then invited Paul and Hater Mills to come to his offices in Newfoundland to see documentaries and other evidence that would promote the seal hunt. Sir Paul, being the dumb man he is, said "Danny, we are in Newfoundland." No Pauly, you were in P.E.I. Now, I know that they are both islands but they aren't the same fuckin place. We aren't on Easter Island paul. We aren't on Long Island either Paul. All islands aren't the same place. Understand?? Mr. Williams, unlike myself, pointed this out in the most polite manner possible.

Throughout the show I didn't really know what Larry thought about all of this and he just seemed to make sure that Acti-Wife got in the last word and he let her ramble on but was quick to cut off Mr. Willaims. But now that I think about it, Mr. Williams was being polite and he'd shut up when asked to shut up but Miss Mills isn't used to being told what to do and she just could not voluntarily shut her own mouth. She only knows how to shut other people's mouths by not giving them a chance to get a word in.

I must admit I spent most of the show in agony, not because of the seal slaughter videos, but because I was so frustrated with Mr. Williams being silenced. The best comparison I can make is to watching the 2006 NBA slam dunk contest. The short-ass dude who won it this year just kept attempting a dunk that he couldn't make. He must have tried it about 15-20 times and I was watching in agony as he missed and missed and missed and missed. If he made the dunk the first time it would have been awesome but he didn't. And with every extra attempt it just became more painful to me. So eventually he compromised and did another dunk and I didn't have to pull the rest of the hair out of my head. This was the exact same feeling I got when Hater Mills wouldn't let Mr. Williams get a word in. But the difference is that she never did make her dunk, she just kept attempting it and missing and missing and missing and I was left to just sit there and watch her try again and again. She kept repeating the same points giving me nothing new to ponder. No, I don't care if a seal is dead before it ever gets a chance to swim!?! I haven't been swimming in over two years myself! Can somebody please throw me in a friggin' pool!!?! I need to be saved!!!


Anyways, I'm starting to get hungry now. So before I end this post I'd just like to tell you about a friend of mine who is 24 years old and has been out on the ice pans seal harvesting. He said it was one of the most fun things he ever did. There are seals everywhere and its almost like a sport or a game (you know that game at the carnival where you have to bomp the heads with a hammer when they pop up through a hole and if you're good enough you can win your girl a prize). But ulike the carnival its also very hard and dangerous work (my friend had an uncle who died out on the ice pans) and its a job that many people could not do without. People need to feed their families and unlike Paul, losing income of a few thousand dollars each year would have quite an impact.

So I'd like to conclude by saying that Mr. Williams was correct in saying that Paul and Acti-Wife are simply being used by mega-corporations. It just so happens that the corporations in question have the disguise of being animal rights groups (PETA, Greenpeace). If Paul and Heather really wanted to make a global difference on the international stage they would find a much more important issue to bitch about (AIDS in Africa, polygamy among fundementalists Mormons involving the rapes of 13 year old girls , drug problems among children, pollution, fossil fuel consumption, rascism, slavery, child smuggling, etc).

I think Paul and Heather should jump in their Yellow Submarine with Rocky the Raccon, Blackbird, Doctor Robert, Eleanor Rigby, the Walrus, Mean Mr. Mustard, a few Piggies, Polythene Pam, and Sgt. Pepper. Then they should go on a journey and try not to drown in the Sour Sea next to the Octopus's Garden.


And yes, Canada (and in particular Newfoundland) still fucking rules no matter what a couple of British pussies have to say about us. Go kick a soccer... I mean football around and make sure you don't get hurt.

And rememeber, club seals not sandwiches.