I never really liked ...

I was always a fan of The Rolling Stones. They rock, they party, and they aren't a bunch of whiners (I hope you noted that I was using the present tense). The Beatles, on the other hand, never really appealed to me. Ringo seems like he might be semi-retarded, John married Yoko Ono (need I say more?) and did that thing where they stayed in the hotel room in Canada somewhere protesting some hippy bullshit, and I couldn't tell you a thing about that Harrison dude.

But I never really had a problem with Paul McCartney. He just kind of seemed a bit dumb to me and he managed to offset the weirdness that was John Lennon. My father was a fan of his and said Paul's concert was one of the best he's ever seen. There are even a few posters from that show downstairs in the bar/basement. I knew he was married to some chicky who had issues with stuff like the environment blah blah blah but I thought she died and that phase of his life was over with. But I find out last night that he has found a new activist-beauty-model-wife by the name of Heather Mills. Let me begin by saying that she is a rude bitch.

This past week Paul and Acti-Wife came to Eastern Canada to go touch some baby seals and protest against the "brutal practice" that is the seal hunt. Then I found out they were going on Larry King Live and Danny Williams (the Premiere of my home Province, Newfoundland) would be a guest on the show to rebut the two. For those of you that don't know, Mr. Williams (this is how he should be addressed: MISTER WILLIAMS) is a self-made millionaire who owned and sold Cable Atlantic to the Rogers Company.


Sir Paul and Acti-Wife would not let Mr. Williams get a word in on teh larry King show. They just kept interrupting him bringing up the same points that they had already drove into the ground. "These seals have no defense... This practice is inhumane... These lil seals haven't even had a chance to go for a swim (this point was brought up at least half-a-dozen times)... Its a cruel practice... I'm pussy whipped by my wife here... I just married Paul so I could make my voice heard all around the world... I love seals... I want to get a sealplasty..."


Mr. Williams (who was so rudely addressed as "Danny" by everyone on the set) was visibly irritated by their hogwash and brought up some interesting points, my favorite being that PETA and Greenpeace may have ties to terrorism!! Go Danny!!! He then invited Paul and Hater Mills to come to his offices in Newfoundland to see documentaries and other evidence that would promote the seal hunt. Sir Paul, being the dumb man he is, said "Danny, we are in Newfoundland." No Pauly, you were in P.E.I. Now, I know that they are both islands but they aren't the same fuckin place. We aren't on Easter Island paul. We aren't on Long Island either Paul. All islands aren't the same place. Understand?? Mr. Williams, unlike myself, pointed this out in the most polite manner possible.

Throughout the show I didn't really know what Larry thought about all of this and he just seemed to make sure that Acti-Wife got in the last word and he let her ramble on but was quick to cut off Mr. Willaims. But now that I think about it, Mr. Williams was being polite and he'd shut up when asked to shut up but Miss Mills isn't used to being told what to do and she just could not voluntarily shut her own mouth. She only knows how to shut other people's mouths by not giving them a chance to get a word in.

I must admit I spent most of the show in agony, not because of the seal slaughter videos, but because I was so frustrated with Mr. Williams being silenced. The best comparison I can make is to watching the 2006 NBA slam dunk contest. The short-ass dude who won it this year just kept attempting a dunk that he couldn't make. He must have tried it about 15-20 times and I was watching in agony as he missed and missed and missed and missed. If he made the dunk the first time it would have been awesome but he didn't. And with every extra attempt it just became more painful to me. So eventually he compromised and did another dunk and I didn't have to pull the rest of the hair out of my head. This was the exact same feeling I got when Hater Mills wouldn't let Mr. Williams get a word in. But the difference is that she never did make her dunk, she just kept attempting it and missing and missing and missing and I was left to just sit there and watch her try again and again. She kept repeating the same points giving me nothing new to ponder. No, I don't care if a seal is dead before it ever gets a chance to swim!?! I haven't been swimming in over two years myself! Can somebody please throw me in a friggin' pool!!?! I need to be saved!!!


Anyways, I'm starting to get hungry now. So before I end this post I'd just like to tell you about a friend of mine who is 24 years old and has been out on the ice pans seal harvesting. He said it was one of the most fun things he ever did. There are seals everywhere and its almost like a sport or a game (you know that game at the carnival where you have to bomp the heads with a hammer when they pop up through a hole and if you're good enough you can win your girl a prize). But ulike the carnival its also very hard and dangerous work (my friend had an uncle who died out on the ice pans) and its a job that many people could not do without. People need to feed their families and unlike Paul, losing income of a few thousand dollars each year would have quite an impact.

So I'd like to conclude by saying that Mr. Williams was correct in saying that Paul and Acti-Wife are simply being used by mega-corporations. It just so happens that the corporations in question have the disguise of being animal rights groups (PETA, Greenpeace). If Paul and Heather really wanted to make a global difference on the international stage they would find a much more important issue to bitch about (AIDS in Africa, polygamy among fundementalists Mormons involving the rapes of 13 year old girls , drug problems among children, pollution, fossil fuel consumption, rascism, slavery, child smuggling, etc).

I think Paul and Heather should jump in their Yellow Submarine with Rocky the Raccon, Blackbird, Doctor Robert, Eleanor Rigby, the Walrus, Mean Mr. Mustard, a few Piggies, Polythene Pam, and Sgt. Pepper. Then they should go on a journey and try not to drown in the Sour Sea next to the Octopus's Garden.


And yes, Canada (and in particular Newfoundland) still fucking rules no matter what a couple of British pussies have to say about us. Go kick a soccer... I mean football around and make sure you don't get hurt.

And rememeber, club seals not sandwiches.